How Not To Feel Resentment Over Difficult Students
It’s normal to feel angry.
How could you not? You have a student who is ruining your school year.
They’re disruptive every day. They’re rude and disrespectful.
They cause more problems, more chaos, and more disorder than the rest of your class put together.
And despite your best efforts to stay positive, privately you stew.
You resent their misbehavior and how profoundly it affects your ability to teach.
If you’re a regular reader of SCM, however, then you know that resentment does you no good. In fact, it makes things worse because it’s something you can’t hide, no matter how hard you try.
It will always rise to the surface.
Sometimes it’s just a look, a micro-expression, or a nuance in the way you speak to them versus everyone else. But it’s there, and they know it.
They can see it and feel it, as sure as the backpack weighing on their shoulders.
In previous articles, we’ve talked about the power of choosing to like difficult students, of seeing only the best in them.
We’ve heard from many readers who have been liberated by this advice and overjoyed with the effect it has on their most challenging students.
But there are others who just can’t seem to embrace it.
They try, no doubt. They try with all their might. They want to like them. They commit themselves to like them. They know it’s right and are convinced of the strategy’s effectiveness.
But when push comes to shove, when Anthony or Michelle spoils a great lesson or brazenly disrespects them, it all goes out the window. They can’t seem to erase their nagging animosity.
So what’s the solution?
The solution is to realize that it’s not the student’s fault. Somewhere along the line they’ve been let down by the adults in their life. Not every adult, mind you. Sometimes it can be just one.
It may be the curse of permissiveness, the pain of abuse and neglect, or the residue of poverty, hunger, or other trauma.
But it manifests itself most acutely when they’re subject to authority they view—sometimes unfairly—as antagonistic or oppositional.
That’s not to say that they’re not responsible for their own behavior. They are, 100%. But you’re the one standing in front of them. You’re the authority figure in their life setting ground rules and giving directions. (In their eyes, telling them what to do.)
And thus it’s you that they rail against. It’s you they take it out on. Unless, that is, you accept the idea that it isn’t really them talking and behaving, but rather the pain and hurt roiling inside.
Grasping this reality has a way of putting things into perspective and replacing the resentment you can’t seem to shake with compassion and understanding.
In fact, it does so effortlessly.
Seeing the big picture, realizing that their behavior is all but screaming out their desire to be understood, believed in, and given strong boundaries, makes choosing to like them the most natural thing in the world.
It makes your morning drive to school filled not with dread, but with purpose. It softens your heart and imbues you with the patience, kindness, and love they need.
And this makes all the difference.
This doesn’t mean that you’ll ever lower your standards or fail to hold them accountable. Love, after all, is not an emotion. Rather, it’s the active pursuit of what’s best for another.
But once they see that in you, once it dawns on them that you really are on their side and ensconced in their corner . . .
Their behavior will change.
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